This is the first in a series of nearly unedited conversations (edits include spelling corrections, grammar corrections and other slight fixes) that I’ve had online with men in chat rooms devoted to rape fantasy. While the rooms are dedicated to fantasy, the men there usually want to talk about actual rape, not make-believe, and in my experience these guys start off the bat asking if I had been raped, sometimes using degrading language.
It shouldn’t be construed that these men are actually rapists or want to commit real rape. Fantasies are normal and so is curiosity. So for that reason I think of theses guys as tourists, not rapist. However, some have told me they have committed actual rape. These posts are meant to give a window into the mind of some men and how they think about rape. The names of the men have been changed and all identifying information has been removed. Please proceed with caution if this concept is upsetting to you.
Adam: Hi there Temira — did the men take their time with you?
Temira: What answer are you hoping for?
Adam: That is up to you — just tell me what happened
Temira: You’ve asked that before, though. Why that question?
Adam: Well I want to know what still excites you about it
Temira: But that’s not what you asked. You want to know how long it took. If it took longer, do you like it better?
Adam: Well length of time can change a woman’s attitude of the event
Temira: How so?
Adam: Well sometimes when it a longer period of time they being to cum and start to get into being used and that stays with them
Adam: What do you think?
Temira: I don’t think so
Adam: What happened in your case?
Temira: Ever been in a car crash?
Adam: Yes — and your point is?
Temira: Do you remember the second right before impact where you didn’t know if you’d survive or not?
Adam: Sorry we got blindsided so no time to think about it
Temira: Well, then, imagine that kind of terror. But instead of it lasting a second, it went on for six hours. That’s what it was like.
Adam: And how do you feel about it now — does any of it excite you?
Temira: I’ve eroticized it.
Adam: Yes how have you changed it in your mind?
Temira: I don’t know, because I can’t fully remember
Adam: How old are you Temira? I like your style — you seem very intelligent
Adam: Good I am (name, age)
Adam: Do you have a man who can afford to spoil you now?
Temira: A girlfriend
Adam: So you are bi now?
Temira: Always was
Adam: So how did your rape happen?
Temira: A date gone wrong
Adam: Ah a date with a man?
Adam: When did this happen?
Temira: I was 23
Adam: What do you do for a living now Temira?
Temira: I write
Adam: From what I see you write very well — now on what topic or style?
Temira: That’s all you get
Adam: Well maybe as the owner of a business – I might take a personal interest in you and your girlfriend
Temira: I’d rather you didn’t
Adam: Why is that?
Temira: I’m too old to be that foolish
Adam: It is not foolish at all — do you still date?
Adam: Ok well have fun Temira: — if you would like to chat sometime please let me know – have a good night
Temira: I’m here to chat now. I just don’t want anything outside of IRC
Adam: Ok what would you like to chat about here
Temira: I’ll truthfully answer all of your questions if you answer all of mine the same
Adam: Ok sounds good
Adam: Well what is your fantasy now about the rape?
Temira: Well, there’s two things. One, I can’t remember it all. Two, I’ve eroticized it. The two are connected. Because I can’t remember, I sometimes try to make myself recall it to see if I can bring back more. The problem with that is, doing it makes me feel the horror of it. So, to get around that, I’ve turned it into something erotic. It’s the same scene over and over – what really happened to…
Temira: …the best of my memory.
Temira: I don’t roleplay
Temira: Why do you like to talk to women about their rapes?
Adam: I find it fascinating to see their different ways of handling it — and how it has effected them
Temira: That sounds awfully academic
Adam: Well you asked for the truth – that’s it
Temira: So it’s not a turn-on
Adam: Yes sometimes it is a turn on too – especially if the woman has decided it excites her and wishs to roleplay it with me
Temira: What about it turns you on?
Adam: Not quite sure —
Adam: I like to see what changes attitudes
Adam: And how women respond to finding another side of their sexual nature
Temira: What do you mean by “changes attitudes”?
Adam: Well some women have told me that their attitude about having sex changed — some began to see that after the rape they did not have to be prudish or upset about having sex with men
Temira: So – you like the idea that rape is liberating somehow?
Adam: I don’t know if it really liberating or if it a way that women deal with the fact of being raped
Temira: What if it happened to you – do you imagine it’d change your attitudes about sex?
Adam: Well, being a man I would doubt if it would happen — but if I was raped by a group of women — or even one sexy enthusiastic woman – I might change my view of it
Temira: It’s not hard to rape a man. Especially if done by another man.
Adam: Ah that would be rather hard for me to accept — one of us would end up dead
Temira: So you think
Adam: Well let say I am very certain of that
Temira: so you think
Temira: But when a hand is closing around your throat and your hands are immobilized, your every thought is simply about staying alive
Adam: <combat vet — any questions?
Temira: That doesn’t mean shit
Adam: Please don’t make a mistake like that then
Temira: A mistake like what?
Adam: Thinking that I would surrender in any way
Temira: That’s no mistake. there’s no dishonor in survival
Temira: Was I dishonored by staying alive?
Adam: The only way I would accept it was that I would kill him later —
Adam: That’s the bottom line
Adam: Period end of report
Temira: So in the aftermath, how would that change your attitudes about sex?
Adam: With women – I don’t think much
Temira: I’ve asked a lot. Your turn.
Adam: So how did you discover you were bi?
Temira: I suppose because I had a crush on my friend when I was 11 or 12
Adam: And what happened?
Temira: Nothing. We held hands. Then she moved away. I was crushed.
Adam: And then after that?
Temira: Nothing, for a long time. A year of wondering if I was straight or gay that came with someone writing “fag” on my locker, and then massive relief when I got a crush on a boy.
Adam: Ah ok — hey I do have to go and make a few business calls — it has been great chatting with you –
Adam: Have a great night
Temira: You too